


Those Gifts You Left

by drivingsideways



Series: A Pair of Swallows [5]
Category: Serenade of Peaceful Joy (TV), 孤城闭 | Held in the Lonely Castle (TV)
Genre: Episode Related, Epistolary, F/M, Gen, spoilers upto episode 56
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:41:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24184537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drivingsideways/pseuds/drivingsideways
Summary: Those gifts you leftHave become my enemies:Without themThere might have beenA moment’s forgetting.- Ono No Komachi
Relationships: Cao Danshu/Zhang Maoze, Du Youheng & Cao Danshu
Series: A Pair of Swallows [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1726612
Comments: 7
Kudos: 7





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> \- Du Youheng is one of Danshu's childhood friends and she was married to Su Shunqin, who was exiled to Suzhou. 
> 
> \- This takes place after Su Shunqin passes away, and some time after Qiuhe leaves. I think I've got the timelines mostly correct, but to be honest, I can't put myself through the torture of watching most of the episodes again!

A letter from Youheng is always a pleasure to read, though her last letter had been full of sadness, not unexpectedly. Danshu keeps it aside when she receives it that morning, so that she might fully savour it at her leisure, though she is sorely tempted to keep He’er and Lady Yu waiting for her.

She would much rather read Youheng’s letter than have to deal with whatever inter-Pavilion dispute needs her attention that day.

By the time she has listened to the petitions He’er and Lady Yu make, and then summoned Yang meiren and Feng meiren to explain their side of things, and has managed to appease everyone and avert a disaster that would have meant that the _entire_ palace may not have been able to procure _mandarins_ —by the time that is over, it is already time to go over the palace accounts with Ren Shouzhong, and after _that_ is done, it is almost time for the evening meal, and _then_ guanjia decides to make an appearance, though thankfully, he doesn’t stay long.

She might have lost her composure entirely and screamed if he had decided to stay for the night, though these days, she had learnt the trick of sending him off to Zhang Bihan or one of the other ladies whenever she could, even though Zhang Bihan, now that she had become Imperial Consort, seemed less inclined to cooperate.

Danshu can’t understand it- can’t that wretched woman understand that keeping _guanjia_ happy is the only thing that is standing between her and disaster? Truly, it seems that Jia Yulan had been the only person in her cohort with any intelligence. But it also seems that Zhang Bihan’s ambitions are beyond her grasp, for she swerves from one disaster to another with all the subtlety of a bull in heat. Just look at all the trouble and furore the matter with her uncle is still causing in court.

Danshu is aware how much resentment Bihan’s appointment as consort and her subsequent behaviour has generated among the harem; Huirou, in particular has never forgiven her and continues to waste her emotional energy on Bihan. As for herself, it has been some time now since she has been able to view Zhang Bihan with anything but pity, though she still occasionally has to rein her in- or rather, request _guanjia_ to do so.

In another lifetime, she might have tried to befriend the poor girl, she thinks, but that boat is already far from shore. Zhang Bihan will never trust her, and if it gives her pleasure to continue to slight Danshu whenever she can- well, that is her lookout.

It is clear that now that _guanjia_ thinks that he _finally_ has _Danshu_ where he wants her- Zhang Bihan’s tantrums and her obvious manipulations are becoming a matter of annoyance.

Danshu doesn’t think her position in Kunning Hall is under threat, now that the matter of Ping’er is also sorted. It is true that Huirou is unhappy and still against the marriage her father has chosen- but there is no longer any reason for guanjia to suspect any conspiracy on the side of the Cao clan.

As for the matter with the Li clan- just thinking about it gives Danshu a headache. She hasn’t yet devised a way to get Huirou out of it with everybody’s heads and reputation intact- at the moment all she can do is claim that she and He’er and indeed, guanjia himself, can scarce spare their lovely daughter so soon.

If only she had someone to discuss it with- Qiuhe, or- or—

No.

She will not let herself think of him tonight, when the autumn moon is so low, as to almost touch the earth, as though to say, here I am, reach out and grasp me—

She takes a deep breath, as she slides under the warmed quilt, and opens Youheng’s letter.

_My precious friend,_

_See, now, I have found a mid-way between your request that I only ever address you by your name like when we were young girls, and my instinct to address you as is required by every rule that was hammered into us all those years. Do you remember how livid Nanny Zhuo would get with us when we deliberately made mistakes? It makes me smile to think of it- but also slightly ashamed, now that I know what it is like to try and educate a bunch of unruly children!_

_You must wonder what I am referring to- why, that is my big news for you- I am now a teacher!_

_In my last letter to you, I mentioned that Teacher Fan had invited us to visit him in Hangzhou, a trip that Shunqin and I never managed to accomplish. After his parting, I had two choices: one to come back to Kaifeng, to my father’s house, and the other to stay here in Suzhou, where our children were born, and where, despite everything, we were happy. But I will confess to you now, that I could not bear it. I could not bear seeing the places we had walked hand in hand, could not bear to walk into our library and not see him there, lost in his books, his old set of brushes still there, the book he was reading, open to the page he was reading, because I could not bear to close it. And the children- Yue’er took to wandering around the house in the night, certain that he was hiding, and it was a game, and that she had to find him, while Zhong’er hid in corners and wept quietly where he thought I couldn’t see him._

_Everywhere I looked was only pain and the empty spaces where he should have been._

_I suppose I could have come back to Kaifeng, to the luxury of my father’s house- and my brother and sister in law were persistent in their invitations, in their desire to have us back together as a family. I did not doubt the sincerity of their affection. And yet- in my heart- I knew that would be the wrong decision for all of us._

_I have quite lost the art of being a lady, in these ten years! I could not imagine coming back to Kaifeng, to the endless rounds of tea parties that are merely excuses for people to whisper slander, to the constant looking over one’s shoulder, wondering whom to trust, wondering which gift is actually a threat, and which is merely obligation. And over and above it all- I could not imagine not being the mistress of my own house._

_These were the thoughts in my heart when I wrote to Teacher Fan, asking whether the invitation to visit was still open. Shunqin had been so excited about having the children meet him- and I wanted to fulfil that wish of his. Besides, I thought, the trip might help me settle my thoughts and make a decision._

_As it turned out, once we came, we never left._

_It was Teacher Fan who took me and the children to Kaimeng Academy- I believe he wanted to impress on the children how important it was to have education spread to all people, and how much some people have to struggle to get the kind of education that people from our sort of background take for granted. Well, the children were more interested in playing under the waterfall- can you believe, the “classroom” is just a cave, next to a beautiful waterfall. What a far cry from our classrooms, as children! And then I learned that the academy even had young girls come in to study, even if they dressed as boys._

_That reminded me of you- and I mentioned it to Teacher Fan and Supervisor Zhang Maoze, and we had a good laugh about how forward you were, though it was not hard to see how fondly Teacher Fan remembers you. See- this is the kind of disrespect that’s only possible in the backwaters of Beizhou- I daresay, in Kaifeng all of us would have been hung from the fortress walls! But I know you won’t mind, my dearest Danshu. (You see how I have given in after all- though perhaps it is because I’m writing this late into the night after a long day and I no longer have any control over my words!)_

_While that first visit amused the children, it was me who could not stop thinking of it, and eventually I worked up my courage to ask Teacher Fan whether there was some way I could contribute. Supervisor Zhang had mentioned that they are short staffed, and especially that he felt they weren’t able to do enough for the girls, though the school doesn’t have many of them. He had mentioned how he thought that if they had female teachers, perhaps more girls would be encouraged to come in._

_Female teachers! To teach subjects other than etiquette or embroidery or music! I had never thought it possible, and yet there was Teacher Fan nodding along._

_I couldn’t stop thinking about it. In the ten years we lived in Suzhou, Shunqin often encouraged me to write my own poetry, but even he never suggested that I publish it. With good reason- they are hardly worth the paper they would be inked on- but who is to say that the great poets of the generations after us won’t be women? Well, they won’t be, if we are not taught to write, much less encouraged to learn beyond what is necessary for us to run a home. Are these thoughts too radical of me? Ah, the candle is almost burnt to the wick, and it is the hour when thoughts fly like birds toward the moon._

_So, the long and short of it is- I stayed. I stayed, and now I teach at Kaimeng academy- not just etiquette and embroidery- though I do that too, but also some of the classics, calligraphy and poetry. It is not an official position and I don’t get paid, not in money anyway. But the parents of the children are grateful enough that they bring us more than enough to survive daily, and besides, I have taken on some additional, paid classes for the daughters of some of the merchants in town- the ones that hope to benefit from some “noble manners”. These classes give me great joy too: it reminds me of us all those years ago, and I feel, finally, that I am truly_ useful _– that I might leave a legacy of my own that is not only my children, lovely and darling as they are._

_I daresay I am making a muddle of a lot of it, as I am new to this kind of work, but Teacher Fan and Supervisor Zhang are very kind. Supervisor Zhang especially- but you already know this. I remember that you told me once that he was as kind as he was efficient, and I see that you were not exaggerating. Shunqin too had a very high opinion of him, when he worked in the Forbidden City, and Teacher Fan has himself told me, that if Zhang Maoze had been given the opportunity, he had no doubt that he would have placed very high in the Imperial Exams and been a leading official. Supervisor Zhang demurs all praise that Teacher Fan gives him, in that quiet, gentle way he has, but I can see that Teacher Fan is not wrong at all. All the children- including my own- love him too- it’s always Sir Zhang this, Sir Zhang that, does Sir Zhang like this, does he approve of that—and he always smiles that gentle smile, though sometimes I see that he likes to tease the children as well, only they realize it much later, by the twinkle in his eyes._

_Oh, I should mention, I think it was once he realized that you and I were close friends, that he decided he would do everything to make my settling into this place easier for me- even as far as finding suitable accommodation and personally overseeing the work and repairs to be done to make it habitable for us. So I have you to thank for that, my dear, for his admiration for Niangniang is not something he hides. My dear, Shunqin and I never believed the slander that we heard all the way down in Suzhou, and now, after meeting Supervisor Zhang in person, I find I am actually angry that someone so capable should have become victim to the evil gossip that masquerades as truth ever so often in Kaifeng._

_I will not bring it up of course- but I think you will be glad to know that he is doing well and seems happy here, whether at the academy or pottering around in his garden. His garden, I should mention- and I have become an authority on gardens, even if I say so myself- is not traditional at all, but nevertheless manages to be quite entrancing. The only complaint I have- and I have voiced it to him as well- is that it contains an abundance of wintersweet shrubs, which will, I predict, be quite overwhelming, come winter. But his only reply was a smile and a murmured reply that the fragrance made the waiting for spring bearable. Well, I suppose, no man is perfect- in fact, it was quite a relief for me to note this one flaw in him, because I confess his competence at every task was beginning to unnerve me._

_What else is left to say for now? I hope you will not think me foolish for the choice that I have made. My one worry is that Zhong’er and Yue’er will hate me for it when they are older; that perhaps they will resent the opportunities that Kaifeng would have offered, that they will not have. As to that, perhaps, in a few years, I will find my way back there- but I confess that I already know that some part of me will always remain here, among the mountains and the rivers and the trees, where my Shunqin is also._

_I know that you are too busy to write often, and indeed, getting a letter to me here might be a monumental task, but I hope you can, someday. If not- well, then, my dearest Danshu, farewell until we meet again, as I believe we shall._

_Your friend,_

_Youheng_


	2. Chapter 2

Danshu clutches the letter to her heart and weeps until she has no more tears.

Then she reads it again.

She finds herself tracing Pingfu’s name written in Youheng’s calligraphy, which is still neat and beautiful despite having been closely written to save paper. She had known, of course, that he’d been sent to Beizhou, but there had been no way for her to get any further news of him. Not even Liaozi or Huaiji knew much, except that he was in charge of that experimental academy there. Ren Shouzhong might have known- but she could not ask _him._

Now she reads the letter, over and over, eyes dancing over the words _happy, smiling,_ and devastatingly- _waiting for spring._

And oh, she wants to saddle Shandian and ride all the way to Beizhou tonight, tonight.

She wants to fly to him and kiss him under the autumn moon.

She wants to lie quietly with him under a canopy of stars and feel his steady heartbeat beneath her palm.

Instead she lies in her prison of crimson and gilt, her body shaking in a silent scream.

It takes her a few days to compose a suitable reply.

_My dearest Youheng_ ,

_I was so happy to receive your letter, as I had been quite worried about not hearing from you. How could you imagine I would be anything but happy to hear that you have found some peace and happiness, despite your loss?_

_It thrills me to hear of the work you are doing, and I only wish I could advocate here for you to be recognized for it._

_As you surmised, my days are quite filled too- though, with what, I could honestly not tell you. Often, I feel that one day runs into another and then the third, and it all feels the same. I suppose you would call that peaceful, but sometimes- often- I wish they weren’t quite so uneventful!_

_I am deeply honoured that Teacher Fan still thinks of me fondly- though I was more a trouble to him than any other student, and not just because I was there on false pretenses!_

_As for Supervisor Zhang, I am indeed glad to hear that he is well. Your mention of his garden reminded me of the time he helped me save my mulberry orchards from being destroyed by pests. I am sending a gift of silks made from the worms cultivated here, they are for the children and all the staff at Kaimeng Academy, including yourself and Supervisor Zhang. I hope this make suitable gifts for the New Year festival early next year! I would have ordered the palace maids to turn them into robes myself, but since I don’t know how many children there are or what ages, I thought I would leave it to your discretion. There are also some toys for Yue’er and Zhong’er, and some scrolls I had copied that I hope will be useful for your classes._

_And finally, my dearest Youheng, for you- a robe I have embroidered myself- just so you can have the pleasure of laughing at me. I do believe I have made some progress from the time I made you finish all my embroidery work for me!_

_I hope you will send me some of your poetry next time. This modesty on your part is quite unnecessary- please remember that I knew you back when you used to make fun of Shunqin gongzi’s love poems that he would sneak across to you, and how you used to do it in perfect meter pointing out every defect in his verse!_

_To encourage you, I leave you with this one, which I am told is by a woman, from across the sea:_

_However wildly_

_This year’s cherry blossoms bloom,_

_I’ll see them_

_With the plum’s scent_

_Filling my heart._

_I pray for the heavens blessings on you, my dearest, and on the children. I too, believe we will meet again. Until then, I look forward to your letters when you can spare your time, and I promise to reply to every one of them._

_Your friend,_

_Danshu_

Later, she takes a walk in the mulberry garden, to the old gazebo there. The wintersweet they had planted together has grown in these last years, and each winter, it blooms, strong and sweet.

This winter will be no different.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poem quoted by Danshu is by Izumi Shikibu

**Author's Note:**

> Well ,come on, I had to find them some way of staying in touch for all the years they are apart. In this 'verse, Danshu and Maoze get news of each other via Youheng's letters until he is recalled to the capital. And yes, Youheng figures it out after a while- she never says anything, but she *does * privately tell Maoze lots of embarassing stories about young Danshu - details that he treasures in his heart!  
> As for whether Maoze ever writes to her himself- no, but he does send her a painting a student does of his garden (with the excuse that Niangniang might be interested in hearing about the progress of the students at the academy!) Youheng smiles to herself when she includes it with her letter, remembering the wintersweet in the Cao Manor (It had taken her a while to figure it out, and she curses herself for her slowness!)- and she would tease him if she thought it was any use- but Zhang Maoze has the best poker face of anyone she knows except Danshu, so she sighs and lets it go.


End file.
